George Orwell’s classic novel Nineteen Eighty-Four describes a dystopic nightmare set in a totalitarian one-party state called Oceania. Its ruler – Big Brother – is omnipresent with telescreens monitoring the private and public lives of every individual. It controls the populace by ensuring that access to any independent opinion is denied. The official government slogan is,

“Ignorance is strength.”

“What has happened? Has the federal government managed to block Spotflux?”

Recently, I came across a blog titled I am a woman and I can carry my own luggage. By the looks of it, the writer clearly seemed frustrated by how porters at the airport behaved with her and it is obvious that her opinion hailed from her experience. However, she also accused Pakistani men of treating women badly and felt harassed by the porters. This, I think, was a tad exaggerated. I, personally, do not see what the issue was all about. On the one hand, women talk about having equality and stand in line with men but then, they also wish to be respected and given extra attention by them. I am a woman and even I feel confused as to what the female race expects from men. The problem is that we don’t know what we want from men. We are in a constant battle with our mind because we cannot decide if men should treat us as their equals or treat us with respect, care and attention. I believe the blogger was probably stuck in the same battle when she wrote her piece. In my opinion, Pakistani men really know how to respect a woman. Offering help to women is in their blood and our men are famous for their chivalry and charm. Since they have seen their forefathers doing the same, it is a part of their culture and upbringing. It’s not like they are flirting with you or trying to harass you; that’s just how they are. At times like these, I remember a quote which became quite popular and was incessantly shared by people on almost every social media forum a few months back,

“You should feel lucky that you are Pakistani because our men know how to protect us, how to respect us and how to shield us from the real bad guys – the shady ones who roam around our society, actually harassing women. Pakistani men know how to uphold the concept of aurton ki izzat (women’s honour).”

“Is this how you treat your own mothers and sisters as well?”

Gone are the days when families would sit together and watch Pakistani dramas. Instead, today we get to see the ‘not-so-moving’ storylines that seem to be inspired by Indian soaps. What is worse is that our TV channels show things that are in direct contradiction with our cultural and social values. From pregnancies to abortions, from extra-marital affairs to illegitimate children and elopements, we have been exposed to all kinds and degrees of absurd content in these dramas in the name of modern entertainment. Even respectable relationships are not spared. I have seen countless dramas where a guy falls in love with his niece or his daughter’s friend or a girl starts having an affair with her brother-in-law, and uses all sorts of ploys and unfair means to make him her life-partner. These dramas even show maids being used as objects of physical pleasure and satisfaction by their male employers. These are only a few examples of all the absurdities that we are being entertained with in the form of dramas like Mera Saaein, Maat, Kitni Girhen Baqi Hain, Tair-e-Lahoti, Mujko Khuda Pe Yaqeen Hai, Maane Na Yeh Dil – the list can go on and on. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Mera Saaein was the story of a traditional feudal lord and politician with insatiable desires of women, power and wealth. Photo: Official Facebook page[/caption] One entertainment channel even went to the extent of showing an apparently unmarried couple living under the same roof as husband and wife in Rishtay Kuchh Adhooray Se. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x14qov1_rishtey-kuch-adhore-se-hq-episode-05-sep-15-2013_shortfilms[/embed] And then of course is the foreign content – Turkish dramas dubbed in Urdu – to entertain the audience. This is an obviously low-cost business strategy adopted by our channels. Our local artists and directors have raised their voice against the airing of foreign content on our TV channels and this is a much needed-step. However, no considerable objection has been raised on the declining quality of our own productions. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Turkish dramas have taken over our entertainment channels. Photo: File[/caption] And yet, Juggan Kazim’s op-ed in The Express Tribune brought a flicker of hope amidst this declining trend in the entertainment industry. Her effort is quite commendable as she categorically states her opinion on the matter:

“There is the decaying drama industry that seems to focus mostly on the affairs of married people. The stories are awful and the production values are worse. There is little regard for character development…”

“Whoever controls the media controls the mind.”

“Whoever controls the media, the images, controls the culture.”

Kashmir has always been a hotbed of political discussions as far as our foreign policy goes. Even though the issue has lost a lot of its steam off late, it is something that remains etched in the mind of every Pakistani, every time India is mentioned. We celebrate Kashmir Day today, as the cold hard truth stares at us – it has been over 60 years and the Kashmir issue shows no signs of being settled. The area is claimed by both Pakistan and India because of its obvious strategic importance. There is no point in going into details of what caused the Kashmir conflict. It is a story built into our curriculum via the pro-Pakistan narrative fed to us by our historians, the same way a pro-India narrative on the issue has been built in India. If the Pakistani narrative is to be believed, Kashmir wants nothing more than becoming a part of Pakistan. Every Kashmiri is filled with perpetual love for Pakistan and hatred for India that knows no bounds. The Indian narrative will be the exact opposite of this. But while we are busy clamouring over how Kashmir wants to be a part of our country, we have lost all sight of how, at least from a Pakistani perspective, making Kashmir a part of our country is becoming a distant dream with every passing decade. This is down to a lot of reasons but a lot of them are down to the repeated intrusion of our military into the disputed area of Kashmir. The first of this was in 1947, our year of independence from colonial rule, when fearing that the Maharaja of Kashmir might accede to India, we sent in our forces to deal with the matter only to witness what we had feared - the maharaja had chosen India, under apparently dubious circumstances. Then in 1965,where our history books have fed us stories of how our chivalrous military ‘won’ the war of 1965, what they conveniently ignored was how the war was triggered by the now infamous Operation Gibraltar, a strategy devised by the Pakistan Army to infiltrate Jammu and Kashmir. Move on to 1999 and our military infiltrated into Kashmir again in the shape of the Kargil War, this time as a retaliation of when India seized Siachin in 1984. Our troops had moved 10 kilometres inside the line of control, occupying a staggering 140 posts. Three wars fought over the disputed territory of Kashmir. Three instances where Pakistan was the aggressor and the international community sided with India. What we need to contemplate is the humiliation that our regular military intrusions in Kashmir have caused us. Not only has the international community repeatedly sided with India, her much more effective diplomatic influence has more or less ensured that the Kashmir issue remains docked increasingly in favour of India for the foreseeable future. No one is looking away from Kashmir’s strategic importance. But having said that, one must also not be blind to the cold truth. All powerful slogans incorporating Kashmir’s importance to Pakistan need to be put aside and the issue needs to be dealt with rationally. We need to accept that our footing on the Kashmir issue is weak, which is why after every few years we come up with military solutions to the matter, making the ice beneath our feet thinner than before. Taking a hard line on matters where you are in a weaker position doesn’t make matters better for you, but only display your weakness and lack of options. The fallout of the Kashmir issue also needs to be evaluated. The whole matter ensures that India is treated as a permanent enemy and the largest chunk of our budget is allocated to the military, significantly robbing other sectors of the country from much needed attention. Any attempt made towards developing peaceful relations with India is thwarted by military adventurism in the region which brings the shocking civil-military imbalance of our country to the limelight. The solution to Kashmir lies in the simple mode of establishing peaceful relations with India and becoming diplomatically strong, something that will take a very long time. All the pro-Kashmir chest pounding in Pakistan needs to be stopped for the foreseeable future. We are in no position to assert our claim on the area because of our weak diplomatic position on the global arena. Even when we call Kashmir our long lost brother, what never crosses our minds is the simple equation - would the average Kashmiri want to be a part of an economically vibrant, diverse and secular India or Pakistan as it is now? Better yet, would the average Kashmiri even want to be a part of any of these two countries or become independent?

The food we eat today is influenced by several cultures. I learned this after reading the highly informative book called Curry: A tale of Cooks and Conquerors by Lizzie Collingham. The historical references in this book are elaborate and provide an insight into our cuisine. Take spices for instance. Isn’t it almost impossible to fathom the idea of Pakistani and Indian cuisine without the use of different types of spices? But before the Portuguese entered Goa, our part of the world had never seen a chilli. And when the Europeans travelled to India, their aim was to increase trade, but as a result of this trade, new ingredients were introduced and our eating habits changed forever. The Mughal Empire also had a great impact on the food that we eat today. The Mughals believed in dining lavishly. They paid their cooks a handsome amount of money and gave them the freedom to experiment. Mughlai cuisine itself was heavily influenced by Persian cuisine. Mughlai pulao Pulao was a dish very dear to the Mughals. The pulao is a dish made with rice, aromatic spices and meat. It is said that the pulao inspired the Italians to make the risotto and the Spanish to make the paella. Moreover, a pulao is the perfect way to gauge the quality of ingredients used by the chef. Ideally the rice should be fragrant and separated while the aromatic spices used should not overpower the natural flavour of the Basmati rice. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: File[/caption] While making a pulao, I prefer to use tough cuts of mutton attached to the bone because the tough cuts add their own flavour and the bones make a rich stock. In addition, I get to eat the bone marrow while feasting on my pulao. What more could one ask for? Akbari biryani During Emperor Akbar’s rule, innovation in the Mughal kitchens was at an all-time high. Spices were being used in varying quantities and different ways by the cooks to create something new. This gave birth to the culinary heavyweight – the biryani. Biryani took its inspiration from the pulao. The cooks used the new spices available due to the advent of the Portuguese to make an even more aromatic and spicy rice dish and hence, the biryani came into being. While the pulao is cooked in one pot, biryani must be layered and steamed before serving. Biryani was created in Delhi and proved to be the perfect example of a cuisine moving forward. Mughlai cuisine was brought to the southern parts of the Indian subcontinent when Emperor Shah Jehan took over Hyderabad. Since the level of spices used in the south was substantially higher as compared to in the north, biryani from southern India was sharper and spicier to the taste. Aurangzebi fruit punch Ever wondered where the refreshing fruit punch came from? Emperor Aurangzeb would serve beverages to the British officials who visited him and these beverages would be a blend of spices, fruits, sugar and arrack. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: File[/caption] Although the ingredients would vary due to seasonality and availability, the drink would consist of five ingredients in most cases. The British picked up on the word ‘paanch’, which is Hindi or Urdu for the number five. Due to differences in pronunciation, this cocktail eventually came to be known as punch in the western world. Tale of the mighty shami kebabs Some of these culinary innovations have truly humorous origins. Take Nawab Asafud Daulah, for instance. He is the reason why we have shami kebabs today. The nawab lost his teeth and hence, was unable to chew his food. His cooks were instructed to prepare something delicious but which required no chewing and this gave birth to our beloved shami kebab. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: File[/caption] Rumour has it that Asafud Daulah ate so many shami kebabs that he was unable to mount his horse due to obesity. So, now every time you are served shami kebabs, you can imagine a fat nawab falling off his horse! Finger-licking curry or karhi? Even the term ‘curry’ was introduced by the Portuguese and the British. The Portuguese picked up the term from South India where the Tamil word for a dish prepared by sautéing meat or vegetables is known as ‘kari’. The Portuguese reconfigured the word to ‘caree’ and eventually it evolved into our well-known curry. We have separate names for all our cuisines such as korma, salan, karhai. However, the British categorised all dishes that were served with a spicy sauce or gravy as ‘curry’. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: File[/caption] I remember when I heard the word ‘curry’ for the first time, my mind automatically went to the dish known as karri. Karri is made with yogurt and chickpea flour. Once the gravy is ready, fried pakoras are added to it which adds a layer of texture to the dish. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: File[/caption] Tantalising tea Although the British were not able to change much of our eating habits they had one contribution that has become deeply rooted in our culture – tea. It is hard to imagine a day without tea in our part of the world. Tea is more than just a beverage for our people; it has a social significance in our culture. Although not a regular tea-drinker myself, I know a number of people who are quite serious about their tea. In fact, a friend of mine has a specialised tea cabinet with different types of teas for different times of the day! [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Reuters[/caption] However, the subcontinent did not welcome tea with open arms initially. It took the British years to make tea popular in the Indian subcontinent. Tea arrived in India with the arrival of the industrial world. A Tea Association was established which helped to market the product to the Indian population. The Tea Association would tour the country and teach people the correct method of making tea. However, tea vendors did not bother much about these methods and made their tea with plenty of milk and sugar. As tea became increasingly popular, people began to experiment with it and this gave birth to the different types of teas, especially masala chai (spiced tea). My friends often make fun of me when I tell them these random facts. I have even been told that I have a ‘fun fact’ tone. But I believe that it is good to know about our cuisine and culture. After all, the food we eat with such relish today has taken a long journey and to celebrate our cuisine we must appreciate the food we eat today and continue the process of culinary innovation. Most importantly, we should share our rich cuisine with people whom we care about. This post originally appeared here.  

Many people like to ask me questions about why I support former president Pervez Musharraf. As part of the questions, they like to pepper in the misinformation that the Pakistani media has presented to the public for consumption. During one such discussion on Facebook, I was asked the following: The question cum comment

“According to you, Khalid Muhammad, what were the positives and negatives of Musharraf’s tenure? People consider him to be the reason for drones, missing people (Aafia Siddiqui), Bugti murder case, Lal Masjid, all that happened to Pakistan after 9/11 (and) the current shortfall of electricity and gas. Suicide bombing took a toll during his rule, then May 12, 2007 (incident took place) in Karachi, (he broke) the constitution twice and many more. What all out of these are true and what all are not? Because people only hear what they are made to hear and the actual facts and information is many times different from the general perception.”

As a woman, you grow up under the shadow of men. You look up to them to make important decisions for you. Ranging from how you have to eat and address your peers to what you should be studying, who you should be marrying, how to protect your body, your offspring, what’s the appropriate time for you to hang up the phone to how fragile your reputation is in a patriarchal society such as ours. Your self- worth becomes a bit of a joke – a paradox and a concept that Pakistani women, quite obviously, are still struggling with. Are we independent women who can take charge of our own destinies or are we hapless damsels in distress waiting for knights in shining armours, preferably wearing a white shiny sherwani? Long story short, whether it is our self-esteem or our right to live as equal citizens of the ‘Land of the Pure’, Pakistan does not protect us. The constitution of Pakistan has no clear-cut law against domestic violence. Human Rights Watch commented that between 70% to 90% of women in Pakistan are victims of some kind of domestic abuse. Pakistan’s population is roughly 49% female and 51% male. That means almost half of the people of Pakistan are deprived of a voice. The reason I am bringing up such harrowing statistics is not to report a crime against a woman where her head was shaved off or someone threw acid on her face, since we all take such news with a pinch of salt anyways. I am here because in a few days something monumental is about to happen. The Pakistani government is launching talks with Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) in order to ‘negotiate’ over terrorism, hoping that somehow a group of men from their barracks will go and talk to a group of men sitting in another set of barracks so that suddenly our hospitals and girls’ schools will stop getting bombed. What strikes as ironical in this monumental event, apart from the glaringly obvious reasons, is that while it is women whom the Taliban have brazenly and openly attacked, and forced to step back into stone age in the ‘Talibanisation’ of Pakistan – as per the TTP agenda – and while it is women and their future which is at clear stake, no woman is involved or brought forward to discuss these matters. We are to believe that Pakistan, the country that celebrated its first woman prime minister in a Muslim country, has no female representative to be a part of a committee to talk about a matter that directly affects half of its population. From Benazir Bhutto to Malala Yousafzai, from little girls going to school in Mingora to the polio workers, from women in the armed forces to even female celebrities, Talibanisation poses a credible life threat to us. Anyone who has a daughter or a sister going to school in Peshawar hoped that no bomb strikes them. Any organisation that attempts to create helpful institutions in Pakistani tribal areas that lack food, medicine and vaccines, is cleared away with robbery, threats and blackmail. Any woman who sits and watches in silence as old men decide what the future of Pakistan is going to be has no idea whether she should trust their judgment or pray for a miracle. It is men who have decided to have these talks. It is men who have decided to move forward with these talks. And it is a group of men who will sit down and decide what is good for the women who are not a part of the discussion at all. It is a jirga of sorts that assembles the powerful men, decides what fits its own agenda and moves on with the repercussions because hey, it wasn’t going to directly affect them anyway. It would do well for the Pakistani government to remember that women are clearly not part of this dialogue because the group of people on the other end of the spectrum consider women as children of a lesser God, if such an allegory may even be applicable. And thus, the Pakistani government must not negotiate. They are cancerous to Pakistan’s social, economic and political future. They disregard half of the Pakistani population as worthless, unimportant and irrelevant. The other half they want to kill because they think their version of Islam is better than those everyday workers who don’t think that wearing jeans is a sign of direct disobedience to God. Their version of a crime against a woman is letting her wear what she wants. Their version of making a woman happy is keeping her away from education and a life beyond the four walls. The Pakistani government must not negotiate. There is no rule of civilisation being followed. There is no equal representation. There is no question of rights or morality. There is just one faction pleading the other not to bomb them into getting their way. This is not even a negotiation. This is a last ditch attempt to making things politically correct. The Pakistani government must not negotiate. It must not move forward with a group that is comprehensively against gender equality. It must not silence the voice of half of its people. It must not think, for even a second, that this half will continue to live and breathe peacefully in shadows of patriarchy. While the average woman in Pakistan struggles with the notion of what equality is today, it does not change the fact that she does not deserve to be married to a man 20 years older than her. The Pakistani government must remember that the TTP does not consider education for women as important as education for men, perhaps even more. The Pakistani government must remember that they are negotiating with people that claim not wearing a burqa is what causes rape. They do not hold the view that a man is just as human as a woman and that they both have equal rights, duties and responsibilities as adults, as Pakistanis and as citizens of the world.

Jonathan Lethem is a renowned author and a fellow alumnus of Bennington College. In 2005, he advised the graduating class to ‘abandon Rome, if you think you can’. These words may just be the remedy to most of our problems. I’m a complainer – everything from poor driving etiquette to bad grammar irks me rather consistently. Over the past few months, I have muddled through offices in Islamabad looking for work. On a warm November morning, I put on a nice outfit and drove 40 minutes into town for an interview only to find a clueless receptionist on arrival, who informed me that the HR lady, who had made an 11am appointment with me, had not shown up for work as yet. The woman in question had my résumé that has my number on it, so I’m not expecting much when I say that she should have had the courtesy to call and cancel. So I complained to my friends, family and even other interviewers. The resoundingly common response I got was,

“This is just the way it is here.”

‘That’s just the way it is here.’

“Culture does not make people, people make culture”

Al-Khobar is the most modern city in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia (KSA). It is a bustling economic centre and is home to two of the biggest shopping malls in the kingdom. I have been living in Al Khobar, Saudi Arabia for about a year now and interestingly, there are a few Pakistani-like things that I was surprised to find here. The majority of the city’s population consists of expats from the East and West alike but the latter is provided with a better standard of living in compounds. Since I am from Pakistan and I don’t live in a compound, I have a better chance to roam around and interact with the locals. Moreover, my job requires a lot of travelling and hence, allowed me a deeper look into Saudi society. Some interesting features that I found common in Pakistani and Saudi society are: 1. The gora complex The first and foremost common factor between the two societies – and the most annoying – is the phenomenon I like to call the ‘gora complex’. It doesn’t matter what qualifications you possess or how good you are at your job, you have to be white-complexioned to receive a certain level of respect. This is even more obvious when you (a desi) are working with some white colleague on a project and you experience the difference in behaviour from people all around you. And believe me, it’s not just about nationality or which passport you hold; I met some guys at a company in KSA who were dual nationals – Pakistani and American – and I thought that they probably got the same treatment that goras got due to their dual nationality. However, to my surprise, they made it clear that I was incorrect in my assumption. Apparently having a strong command on the English language, spoken with a British or American accent is not good enough; you have to change your skin colour to join that league! 2. The indifference I have lived in Karachi my entire life and I have always been awed by the indifferent attitude my people have towards the daily death count from street crimes and accidents – a death count that can go up to 10 on an average day in Karachi. Until and unless some ‘important’ person is killed or the death count crosses 10, life goes on as normal. It seems that both the government and the citizens are convinced that eight to ten lives lost per day in Karachi is the norm. Interestingly, I have observed the same apathetic attitude in Saudi society regarding daily deaths, albeit the cause is road accidents more often than street crimes. Currently, there are around 20 deaths per day and this count has been accepted as the norm. Just like Karachi, everybody is uninterested as long as their own loved ones are fine! 3. Family only Segregation of the sexes is quite common in both Saudi Arabia and Pakistan. And I am fine with segregation per se. However, I have found this phenomenon being misused in both societies. Theoretically, ‘family only’ should mean that ‘singles’ are not allowed and the way I see it, it should apply to males and females alike. Unfortunately, this is not the case in either country. If you are a guy and you want to have dinner with your friends, you are not allowed to enter. But if you are a girl, you are free to enjoy an evening out with your girl friends. The only difference that I found was that in Pakistan, I have seen this happening mostly in public parks, whereas, in KSA it is more evident in restaurants. 4. Pathan truck drivers Pathan drivers in KSA, you ask? Well, if you ever have the chance to travel inter-city, you will be surprised to see the ‘monopoly’ of our Pathan men in the trucking transport business. Not only will you see the familiar sight of Pathan drivers, you will even find all those ‘enlightened quotes’ written on their trucks which are generally mocked in Pakistan. We may ridicule them at home or even be indifferent to them, but here I find them reminiscent of my home-town of Karachi with their typical gaudy decoration and artwork – peacocks spreading their wings and tigers staring at you dolefully, accompanied with the famous, Maa ki dua, jannat ki hawa, Himmat hai tou pass ker, verna berdaasht ker, Pappu yar tang na kar and more. If you live in Pakistan, these things may seem trivial, hateful or even nonsensical to you, but trust me I am grateful to have them here, just to remind me of home. And if you have any plans to visit KSA soon, I assure you that these ‘trivial’, ‘everyday’ Pakistani things will make you feel right at home.

Kashmir is the epicentre of Pakistan’s foreign policy in the region. The state of Pakistan continues to take pride in portraying itself as the most prolific advocator of the freedom for Kashmiri people.  But the harsh reality is that the establishment of Pakistan is very selective and biased in portraying the freedom movement of Kashmir to the Pakistani masses. If you belong to the right-wing militia and equate freedom of Kashmir to annexation with Pakistan, only then will you be projected as a ‘freedom fighter’ and a ‘hero’ of Kashmir in Pakistan. Otherwise, your struggle and sacrifices for the freedom of Kashmir are going to be disregarded and rejected, like you never existed. The most obvious example in this regard is of Shaheed Maqbool Butt – the young Kashmiri revolutionary who sacrificed his life for the freedom of Kashmir. He was executed on February 11, 1984 by the Indian government on the charges of killing an Indian intelligence officer. His body is still buried in the Tehar jail in New Dehli – this ostentatious act of the Indian government speaks volumes about the popularity of Maqbool Butt among Kashmiri masses and the real threat he imposed to the Indian occupation in Kashmir. But believe me, you will never hear his name in the mainstream discourse on Kashmir in Pakistan. For a layman in Pakistan, this may seem like a catch-22 situation – why wouldn’t the state of Pakistan portray Maqbool Butt as a hero? After all, he faced the most vicious atrocities at the hands of the Indian administration and apparently he seems to fit in well with the anti-India rhetoric which is at the heart of the state ideology of Pakistan. However, this conundrum can be resolved by understanding the context of Maqbool Butt’s words spoken in the Pakistani court, 

“Freedom and independence is the fate and destination of Jammu Kashmir. Indian rulers or Pakistani generals and bureaucrats cannot enslave Jammu Kashmir for a long time.”

“I can say without any hesitation that I have not designed any conspiracy nor have I been a part of any group of conspirators. My character has always been transparent and unambiguous. However, I have done one thing and that is rebellion against ignorance, greed of wealth, exploitation, oppression, slavery and hypocrisy. If the ruling class of Pakistan, which is a product of imperialism and is represented by the bureaucracy and the military, views this as a conspiracy then I have no hesitation in accepting the charge.”

 “For us (Kashmiris), azadi (independence) means not just getting rid of foreign occupation from our beloved motherland but also removing hunger, poverty, ignorance and disease, and overcoming economic and social deprivation. One day, we shall achieve that azadi.”

You’re a Pakistani and you’ve never made a trip to the tailor? I find that hard to believe. Whether it’s a job interview or a high school farewell party, tailors are the ones who can make every little occasion of a typical Pakistani woman’s life either completely miserable or an absolute fairytale. You stand in front of a full-length mirror and study your newly stitched dress like a hawk. You look at the loose side fittings and feel aghast. The long, loosely dangling sleeves feel out of place. You swear to yourself that the deep neck you see in your reflection was never your choice. The ill-fitted chooridar seems like it’s on its way to growing into a palazzo. You stand there for an hour – praying, cursing, contemplating and hoping for a miracle with your eyes closed. You hope that once you open them your dress will look beautiful, fit like a glove and be just like you imagined it to be. But when you open your eyes, what you see is your tiny self, drowning in an oversized sack. You can ask any Pakistani woman about adventures with their tailors and trust me you will find that each one of them has a story or two to tell. They are all the same heart-breaking narratives of tailors destroying beautiful, expensive dress material and eventually being the primary reason of a special occasion being completely ruined. So here, ladies, I have recalled 10 moments that we have all been through with our beloved tailors: 1) The LOL moment You have just dropped off your favourite unstitched jora at the tailor’s and have an unexplainable feeling of accomplishment wash over you. You explained every little detail with the utmost patience and intricacy, and you think, ‘everything will turn out just fine now’. Here, unfortunately, is where the LOL (Laugh Out Loud) moment steps in. My advice:  Save up every ounce of energy you can spare. You will need it along with a whole new level of patience and sanity when he calls you to pick up the outfit. If nothing else, just laugh out loud - it happens to be the only thing you can do. 2) Copy cats? Nope. You think you can pick out designs from a flashy, glossy magazine and expect your tailor to put up a replica of the dress you picked? Aww, that’s really cute. Copying even the simplest of designs will be met by this expression, [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="300"] Source: mrwgifs.com[/caption] And these comments,

“Baji, ye tu bohat muskil hai. Mein apko Kareena jesa design batata hun!” (Madam, this one is really hard. Let me know show a Kareena-like design!) “Baji, aap ye kia tasweer le ati he itni mehnat se? Aese kapray silay silai he le lia karen!” (Madam, why do you bring such pictures with so much effort? You can get clothes like this ready-made!) “Baji, apko aise design ki kia zaroorat hai? Aap tu wese bhi burkha pehnti hein!” (Madam, we do you need such designs? You wear a burka anyway!)

“Meri baji itna acha design koi bana hi nai sakta. Poora kapra khil gaya hae isse!” (My madam, no one can make such a nice design. The entire outfit has bloomed!) “Meri behan ap zara isko pehan kar bahar nikalana. Karachi ka poora traffic jam ho jai ga kasam se!” (My sister, just wear this and get out of your house. The whole of Karachi will be in traffic jam, I swear!)

“Baji, meri manay tu yeh design banwa lein, apkay design se zayada acha lagay ga!” (Madam, take my advice get this design made instead, this will look much nicer than the design you chose!)

“Abhi toh tayaar nahi hai baji, kal aana” (It isn’t ready today, madam. Come tomorrow)

“Baji, aap hi ne kaha tha aisa banao. Aur mujhe nahi pata” (Madam, you were the one who asked for it, I don’t know anything else)

If Saturday was a black day in the history of international cricket, Monday was much of the same for Pakistani cricket. On Saturday, the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) lost out in its opposition to the proposal of structural reforms in the International Cricket Council (ICC) enforcing the ‘Big Three’. If that was not enough of a setback, the government decided that this was the right time to remove the chairman of the PCB, Mr Zaka Ashraf for the second time in eight months and replaced him with – yes, you guessed it – Mr Najam Sethi. While this development is similar to what the government has been trying to do for the last few months, it has faced setbacks from court-orders, public pressure and international criticism. Granted that the cricket structure in Pakistan needs to be revamped but it is necessary for it to be depoliticised and independent of the government’s constant intervention. These frequent top-level transitions have adversely affected our performance on the field as well as our standing in the ICC. At a time when Pakistan faces a drought of international cricket on its home turf, administrative troubles do little to help our cause. The timing of the appointment this time around suggests that the government holds Mr Zaka Ashraf responsible for Pakistan’s diplomatic failure to hold out against the ICC’s structural reforms on Saturday. However, it is appalling to note that the patron of the PCB – Mr Nawaz Sharif – did not even spare the ex-PCB chairman a meeting before he represented Pakistan at the ICC meeting. The PCB stood up in its stance against the reforms despite the lack of government support and might even have been successful had South Africa not backtracked on their decision to oppose the Big Three at the last moment. That alone is commendable. The government’s motives to appoint Mr Najam Sethi are questionable to begin with. Mr Sethi might be an experienced administrator but he does not know the first thing about cricket – a fact that he has conceded time and time again. The government seems to have learnt little from his last appointment when his chairmanship only brought up legal hurdles and administrative problems,which only made the already existing managerial crisis in PCB worse. In another, perhaps politically motivated move, Mr Aamir Sohail was appointed the chief selector of the PCB last week. A man who has had his career overshadowed by a match-fixing scandal and has already tried his hand as chief selector of the PCB, offers little promise of a revamped PCB. However, it seems less of a mystery when you realise that Mr Sohail joined the PML-N in 2011. Trying already-tried figures such as Aamir Sohail and Najam Sethi does little to convince millions of Pakistani cricket fans that the future will be positive. Such politically motivated moves have no place in cricket. It is time the PCB becomes an independent institution – free from political appointments, control and intervention. Only with a strong, meritocratic and stable board can we ever hope to match the influence that our neighbour India has on the ICC. With such troubles at home, there is very little we can do about the hold that other countries are taking of the sport. Cricket is a people’s game, let it be run by the people.

I was skimming through the newspaper when I read about how an Indian leopard was shot after it ventured into Punjab and injured two villagers. Now it is one thing to be a bystander to animal cruelty, it is completely another thing to stormily strike ache and wound a living creature, and then have the nerve to back your sadism with a very exasperating false impression of fanatical patriotism. Pakistan-India’s friendship has never gotten a partisan vote from me. In fact, I heartily believe that trying to be cordial with India at the expense of the dignity of your own country is nothing short of inviting disaster. But showing sheer negligence to a leopard, possibly just because it’s ‘Indian’ is hare-brained by any standard. Pakistan is a country where minimal value is attached to the life of a human. Therefore, it may seem inordinately ambitious of me to ask for the rights of an ‘Indian’ leopard but I will not let that discourage me from making an attempt. I asked a friend today about what comes to her mind when she thinks of a leopard. She replied,

“Physical attributes such as sharp teeth, fur and tail?”

Last week our media showed a shocking side of our ‘friend country’, claiming that the US authorities were going to shift a comatose patient, Muhammad Shahzaib Bajwa, from a US hospital to Pakistan without ensuring that his condition was stable enough. To me this seems like yet another case of ‘yellow journalism’ because the fact of the matter is that Shahzaib Bajwa, who had been spending a semester in an exchange program at the University of Wisconsin-Superior, has been comatose in a Minnesota hospital since his accident last November. According to Shahzaib’s elder brother, the Essentia Health-St Mary’s Medical Centre has already provided $350,000 for his treatment and they needed an additional $100,000 for his treatment, for which he launched a fund-raising campaign and $20,000 has been collected. The fact is that the US not only raised $350,000 for Shahzaib but also gave him the required care. In addition, the US state department extended his visa to accommodate his treatment in collaboration with Pakistan’s foreign office. It is disturbing that those who spread rumours and carry out negative reporting about this issue have no idea about the humanitarian approach of the US. When I was watching this news on TV, I could simply not accept the fact that the US could do something as inhumane as sending a comatose patient back to his own country without stabilising him. Watching the media coverage brought back memories of an incident that took place in the Pakistan Institute of Medical Sciences (PIMS). As you know, PIMS is one of the largest tertiary care hospitals in Islamabad and caters to the needs of thousands of patients daily. Like every tertiary care hospital, there are issues in PIMS and currently the biggest issue is the non-functional heating, ventilation and air conditioning (HVAC) system. This system was installed in 1984-85 with a capacity of 1,750 tons and it has outlived its useful life. In 2012, the system was functioning at 20% of its capacity. However, last year the HVAC system completely broke down and is not capable of providing air-conditioning or cooling in any area of the hospital anymore. The boilers, cooling towers and chillers have become non-functional and the circulation system has become completely ineffective. It is pertinent to mention that around 5,000 patients, along with hundreds of their attendants, visit the Out Patient Department (OPD) and emergency department at PIMS every day. And I am sure you remember that the summer season last year was one of the hottest we have had. Due to overcrowding in the OPD, patients and their attendants were very uncomfortable and had to suffer extreme suffocation. The situation for doctors, nurses and other supporting staff, who were surrounded by these crowds, was worse. In addition, the wards have more than 600 beds and patients admitted in them were also subject to extreme heat and suffocation. In fact, some patients in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) and wards became critical due to the oppressive heat and lack of ventilation. It was the morning of June 12, 2013 when the then administrator, Professor Iqbal Memon, told me about the severity of the situation in the ICU where the air-conditioning units were not functioning. I forwarded the complaint to a friend of mine in the US embassy. They sent their engineering team within 24 hours to help us but by then our engineering team had managed to stabilise the situation. They submitted their report to the US ambassador Richard Olson and he promised his support to PIMS in the case of any acute emergency. My point is that they didn’t belong to this country and yet, they were concerned about the well-being of Pakistani citizens and they did their best to help the people of Pakistan. Currently, they are working on a plan to install a new HVAC system in PIMS for which negotiations are underway and I am quite hopeful that we will see some positive changes before the coming summer season. I don’t understand why our media feels the need to criticise the US and often quite unnecessarily.  Shahzaib’s issue involved technicalities and it had to be resolved according to the rules and regulations of both countries. Once they sorted through the legalities and technicalities, the issue was resolved. Such efforts show that they feel our pain and yet, there is a specific, conspiracy-theory driven, negative mind set in our country that not only negates their cooperation and support but also condemns it. In a country like ours, where our infrastructure is too weak and undeveloped to support our own needs, US aid and cooperation is not only welcome; it is much needed. With numerous projects running in Pakistan by US funding, we too need to extend a goodwill gesture towards the US. Then, why does our media love to hate the US?

The generation that grew up listening to Atif has always associated Salman Ahmad with Junoon, completely oblivious to the fact that he was a part of Vital Signs first and had it not been for a bust up with Rohail Hyatt, Junoon might never have come into existence. As pseudo-underground bands cover redundant black and death metal covers in the name of underground music, what most of these bands, and even a large chunk of our biggest musicians remain unaware of is the fact this year marks the 25th anniversary of one of the greatest pop albums released by a band from Pakistan – Vital Signs 1, released on March 1, 1989. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="576"] Photo: Publicity[/caption] While pop music was around before Vital Signs came around, no band in our history has been as influential as them. Vital Signs 1 was released a year after Ziaul Haq’s hawkish dictatorship came to a sudden end. This was a time when the socio-political dynamics in the country were bursting with freedom and euphoria not witnessed since 1977. It was fitting that art take the forefront and even more fitting that pop music be the flag bearer of artistic freedom. Vital Signs were not an unknown entity when the album came out. They had already left a permanent mark on our music history with the release of Dil Dil Pakistan in 1987 which to this day remains the biggest patriotic song in Pakistan and the release of the album in 1989 only cemented the band’s credentials. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xvw8ni_dil-dil-pakistan-vital-signsn_lifestyle?search_algo=2[/embed] While Dil Dil Pakistan was the most popular song from the album, there were other songs on the track list which didn’t make it as big commercially, but still remain classics. ‘Yeh Shaam’ is the first such song. It was the longest song on the album, lasting over seven minutes, but its impact on our music industry lasted much longer. A ballad for the ages, the autumn brown harmony transcends time and transports you into a different world altogether. It remains without a shadow of a doubt, one of the best ballads our music industry has ever heard, and maybe even the very best. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x7qbn5_junaid-jamshed-yeh-shaam_music[/embed] ‘Musafir’ and ‘Tum Mil Gaye’ add to the ocean blue mood created by ‘Yeh Shaam’. Not as brilliant as ‘Yeh Shaam’ maybe, but both still remain top drawer ballads where Junaid Jamshed manages to sing about long lost times and an unfulfilling empty romance, mesmerising the listener with every passing chord. Rohail’s synthesisers add to the melancholic ambience around the songs. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xcz8fg_tum-milgaye-i-have-you-junaid-jamsh_music[/embed] In ‘Gori’ you have one of the best feel good songs on the album. Salman Ahmad’s guitar playing is simple, but gets an A+ for sheer melodic value. Contrary to popular belief, this song was not celebrating women with fair complexions; it was a sarcastic take on women obsessed with it. ‘Chehra’ remains a personal favourite and the most underrated song on the album. Composed by ex-guitarist Nusrat Hussain with the lyrics taken from a poem by the late Parveen Shakir, the song has a very atmospheric feel to it, combining subtle tones of narcissism and giving a brilliantly pompous tone to it. ‘Do Pal Ka Jeevan’ lets the guitars loose and remains the one song on the album where Salman Ahmad was allowed to express himself best on guitars. https://soundcloud.com/shahi-studio/do-pal-ka-jeevan-vital-signs These two songs and to smaller extent ‘Pyar’, shifted from a keyboard dominated structure to one where Salman’s guitars played a bigger role. ‘Aankhen’ is another underrated song from the album. Rohail’s keyboard solo is superb, adding the slightest of brooding flavours to it. The song itself grows on you - not one that you instantly fall in love with. ‘Samjhana’ and ‘Yaadein’ are songs ensuring that ‘Gori’ isn’t the only feel good song on the album after ‘Dil Dil Pakistan’. Where ‘Samjhana’ makes for easy and wonderfully smooth listening, ‘Yaadein’ reminds you of classic wham. https://soundcloud.com/ashar-aziz/samjhana-junaid-jamshed When all is said and done, it probably has the most delightfully catchy harmony on the album. Last but certainly not the least, is the virtually unknown instrumental on the album titled ‘Samina’ which Salman wrote for his wife. In a land where instrumentals were unheard of before Aamir Zaki came around, it is a very interesting piece and does manage to strike an emotional chord. https://soundcloud.com/salahuddin-misbah/samina-instrumental The pop industry has become bigger since Vital Signs called it a day. However their contribution to the industry is immense, not just as a band but also as individual musicians. It is fair to say that they remain the greatest band we have produced, a notch above Junoon and light years ahead of every band that followed. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="321"] Photo: Publicity[/caption]   Vital Signs 1 is an album that should always be looked upon as the album that not only defined an era, but managed to set the rock solid commercial foundations of an entire industry.

Recently moving from Canada, where I’ve lived practically my entire life, to Pakistan, I’ve had to do a lot of learning.  Here are few of the things I have learnt since coming to Pakistan: 1) My mother-in-law asked me to clean char maghaz. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="320"] Source: Reactiongifs[/caption] I was relieved to learn that I was supposed to clean seeds and not four animal brains. 2) There is no uncle by the name of ‘lal baig’. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Source: Reactiongifs[/caption] 3) Don’t’ wear bronzer in Pakistan; rather than getting compliments on a healthy glow, aunties will recommend Fair and Lovely. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="225"] Source: Reactiongifs[/caption] 4) Chukandar (beets) and chuchandar (mole) are very different. You should have seen the look on my husband face when I said I put chuchandar in the curry. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Source: Reactiongifs[/caption] 5) The concept of not littering is practically non-existent. After carrying an empty can for 20 minutes in search of a trash can, I was forced to throw it where my flat disposes trash, in a pile behind the building. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="370"] Source: Reactiongifs[/caption] 6) You will get many evil stares if you call a Zuhljina a horse. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="245"] Source: Reactiongifs[/caption] 7) While we are on the topic horses, there is a difference between gora (foreigner) and ghora (horse). To my dismay, it was people who were visiting the office from a foreign embassy, not a bunch of horses. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="319"] Source: Reactiongifs[/caption] 8) Green smoothies are unheard of – nobody makes spinach smoothies. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="499"] Source: Reactiongifs[/caption] 9) Milk can be stored in the pantry, it never goes sour! Is it even milk…? [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="320"] Source: Reactiongifs[/caption] 10) No matter how loose ones clothes are or the hijab on my head, I am not modestly dressed unless I carry a dupatta; yet it does not matter if it’s net or completely sheer. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Source: Reactiongifs[/caption] 11) Flagyl, the pill for stomach problems of all kinds, is my best friend. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Source: Reactiongifs[/caption] 12) Bharay huweh tindeh is the most uselessly annoying dish to prepare in the world.

• Chop the tindeh,
• Peel the tindeh,
• Scoop out the insides,
• Cook the inside goop,
• Refill the tindeh with the inside goop,
• Find the other half of the tindeh and place it on top of the filled one,
• Tie up the tindeh with string and cook it again.
• Remove the string before serving?

In a bizarre demonstration of overbearing nationalism, a university in Uttar Pradesh suspended 67 Kashmiri students for cheering for the Pakistani cricket team. This may be a clinical sign that the sore-loser syndrome has reached its terminal stage. I don’t watch cricket. All I really know about the sport is that Pakistan won the match because Shakil Afridi, incidentally the same guy who found Osama, scored a last-minute goal (also called a ‘touchdown’). I do know, though, that every India-Pakistan cricket match sends the neighbouring nations into a state of frenzy, which is quite natural. It doesn’t matter. As long as their skirmishes and battles are confined to the cricket stadium, I have no qualms with their passion. Occasionally, that fervour spills out of the stadium into the real world, causing significant turbulence in our social and political lives. Swami Vivekanand Subharti University (SVSU) has policies as complicated and arcane as its name would suggest. The institution indefinitely suspended all Kashmiri students residing in Madan Dhingra hostel for applauding Pakistan’s victory in the cricket match. The administration received complaints regarding some Kashmiri students yelling pro-Pakistani slogans and clapping whenever the Pakistani team scored. The Kashmiri students complained of angry Indian team supporters vandalising their rooms and damaging their property in retaliation. Only one of these complaints was dealt with seriously. It’s like the time when New York’s Columbia University expelled a Chicago student for cheering the Chicago Bulls instead of New York Knicks during a basketball… oh, of course I’m kidding. There is no precedent, at least to my knowledge. A university cannot mandate which sports team a student may or may not support. The subcontinent, in this regard, is a universe of its own. A three-tier inquiry at SVSU was appalled when the Kashmiri students refused to come forward and apologise for their behaviour. When they refused to give names of the students responsible for causing the uproar, all 67 Kashmiri students of the hostel were sent back to the valley. The crime was not hooliganism; that, if any, is being attributed to the local students who were outraged by the Kashmiris’ support for the ‘enemy’ team. The most offensive part of the incident is the institution’s firm belief in its own imaginary magnanimity, that they sent these students back to the valley to secure them from the possible clashes. The attitude, it seems, is being shared by many parents of students at the university as well. These are the same kind of wise policy-makers who would suspend a woman from work at the office in order to ‘protect her from harassment’. It does not occur to the administration to reprimand and punish the local students who are not evolved enough to tolerate a student’s support for an opposing team. The answer, instead, is to punish the victim and send him home. Regrettably, this is not even the worst incident in the aftermath of the cricket match. In the Baramulla region of occupied Kashmir, a youth was stabbed to death by Indian forces for celebrating Pakistan’s victory. While this aggression will surely be bilaterally decried, this will not likely be the wake-up call to us on what jingoism could lead us to, just as thousands of tragedies before this weren’t. I’ve learned from past experiences that whenever I say something marginally critical of anything Indian, I must also say something equally and irrelevantly critical of Pakistan so not to hurt an Indian friend’s pride. So I would add, to burst my fellow Pakistanis’ bubble, that if somebody openly applauded the Indian team in a Pakistani university, he too would be treated rather poorly. Would he get suspended? Depending on the university, quite possibly, though that hasn’t happened yet as far as I’m aware. If it does happen, I would condemn that wholeheartedly as well. SVSU’s immaturity deserves no apologists. A university’s vice-chancellor should not be concerned with which sports team I cheer for or which Game of Thrones character I root for. If anybody is to be punished, it should be the one not capable of tolerating diversity of thought at the campus. [poll id="327"]

After an indubitably glorious victory against India in the Asia Cup this past Sunday, ardent Pakistani fans, all across the world, have indeed found various ways to celebrate this euphoric occasion. While some celebrations are fun and safe, others are not. I am referring to the infamous aerial firing or, in other words, firing bullets into the air, which is a common practice in many places and cultures around the world within South and Central Asia, the Middle East and South America. While aerial firing is a widespread practice throughout Pakistan, it is particularly customary in the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa (KPK) region where gun shots are often known to be fired up in the air in sheer rejoice. Celebrations enumerating aerial firings include weddings, the birth of a male child and other occasions such as sport and election victories. Unsurprisingly, Pakistan’s recent win against India elicited this extremely dangerous practice in the region’s illustrious city of Peshawar shortly after Shahid Afridi scored incredible back-to-back sixes that resulted in the remarkable win. One honestly can’t help but wonder why such an occasion or any occasion would be celebrated in this way, while failing to realise just how violent and dangerous it is. There are several questions that keep gnawing at me. What do these people, men, achieve from firing random bullets up in the air anyway? Does it give them some sort of uncanny gratification, authority, perhaps? Or do they do it simply out of show? What goes on in their minds to enable them to grab such dangerous weapons and fire bullets into the sky? While we know that such aerial firings are done with good intentions, it is quite blatant, however, that the practice does more harm than good. Traditionally, it appears that guns are, and have been, perceived as a status symbol, signifying power and prestige, where the flagrant firing of a large, heavy and powerful weapon such as the Kalashanikov is profoundly and perhaps even psychologically associated with a raw sense of masculine pride. Yet, there are countless reports and incidents delineating cases where innocent people, in nearby towns and villages, have been hit and killed by the stray bullets. As a matter of fact, in a similar article published by The Express Tribune a couple of months ago, it was mentioned that according to the Human Rights Commission of Pakistan (HRCP), around 81 people, which includes men, women, and children, were killed by stray bullets alone in the highly populated and urbanised city of Karachi, one of the major cities in the nation that popularises aerial firing. Unfortunately, despite the fact that the practice of aerial firing has been banned within the limits of the Peshawar district as it led to countless injuries and fatalities, many still continue to practice it persistently and carelessly, violating the law. What’s even more distressing is that we witness these imprudent acts of aerial firing day after day as many have either not comprehended or simply forgotten to pay heed to the essential aphorism, ‘what goes up must come down’. Hence, what normally starts out in joy and celebration sometimes ends up in grief and tragedy. I also blame the media for further relegating what is and should be an issue that needs immediate attention. It was particularly distasteful that Shahid Afridi’s younger brother was publicised being involved in a series of aerial firings, cheering and celebrating his brother’s incredible performance in winning the match. This is not just recently but goes as far back as 2009, when Pakistan won the T20 World cup. And considering the famed popularity of Afridi all over the world, his zealous fans would more than likely follow in the footsteps of his brother, believing that aerial firings are not only ‘cool’ and ‘fun’ but that it is the accepted norm to celebrate such a joyous occasion. This, as a result, poses great threats, especially amongst the Pakistani youth. They need to understand that aerial firings are neither ‘cool’ nor ‘fun’ but extremely dangerous, posing great risks to people’s lives. Hence, I feel that the media is liable to ensure that it does not positively showcase nor support such a belligerent and unappealing method of celebrating, as it not only encourages and promotes aerial firing, but it also undermines the seriousness of the issue. Undoubtedly, places within the KPK region, as well as Pakistan on the whole, are already facing countless social and political problems – from the lack of human rights to blatant militancy and terrorism that has enveloped parts of the nation time and time again in utter despair. Not a day goes by that we learn about the lives of innocent men, women and children being lost to suicide bombers and other such murderous atrocities. And while these acts of terrorism are inexorable, causing death and casualties at an alarming rate, those that are caused by aerial firings, on the other hand, can actually be avoided. As a matter of fact, they can be eradicated all together. Aerial firings are not cool. Not only are they highly unethical but those who do engage in it need to realise just how senseless and obtuse an act it is as well. There is no need to indulge in such superfluous violence when there are clearly other, much more fun and safer, ways to celebrate a joyful occasion, one that will not end in tragedy and despair. Guns are not toys and should not be treated as such, as people’s lives are at stake. It’s time we, as a nation that is aiming to be more progressive and civilised, stopped being so irresponsible with our actions.

Ali Zafar’s fifth Bollywood film, Total Siyapaa, is an outlandish comedy of errors which unfolds on a single, wild night. The movie is another version of the popular cliché of what happens when a boy meets the girl’s parents for the first time. Things are going great for the couple, Aman, played by Ali Zafar, and Asha, portrayed by the talented Yami Gautam, until Aman is persuaded, with much protest, to meet Asha’s parents. Chaos ensues as the couple face characters ranging from a Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge (DDLJ)-obsessed child, baseball-bat wielding youngsters, a chronic complainer (played skilfully by Kiron Kher), trollops with tooting accents and a nuttier than a bar of snickers granddad. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Total Siyapaa Official Facebook Page[/caption] Mix the quirks of the characters, which are, to put it mildly and in printable language, cucking frazy, with a dangerous container of frozen soup and some near murders, and you have the recipe for a mammoth Siyapaa. Interestingly, things at the house take a massive turn for the worse when Aman is asked the all too familiar question of ‘what is your family background’. This is when the parents unexpectedly learn that their Indian daughter, who was brought up as a Hindu, has chosen a Pakistani man, who follows a different religion. That’s when the already awkward dinner turns into an out and out farce. Aman, the innocent, well-spoken boy from a good family, struggles to maintain his nerve as each character presents a new challenge. As he becomes more and more entrapped by the family’s eccentricities and a host of unexpected circumstances, Aman’s relationship with Asha comes under stress too. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="522"] Photo: Total Siyapaa Official Facebook Page[/caption] His love for Asha makes him drop his accha bacha (good boy) standards and work to wriggle himself out of a welter of problems as he, against his will, finds himself in police stations, a flower shop and even the prospective father-in-law’s office. The interaction between Kiron Kher and Ali Zafar is hilarious throughout the film and there is a particularly funny scene where a distressed Aman has to deal with an elderly relative in a lavatory. While Total Siyapaa has its moments, I can’t help but think that the film, which is clearly meant to be an entertainer, has great unfulfilled potential. Initially titled Aman Ki Asha, it could have been fantastic had it included more of the comedy centred on the cultural differences between the two countries and Aman working to make peace with his antagonistic Indian family. It only touches on this matter briefly and if the script had more such banter, it would have really helped engage the audience for longer periods. The trailer and climax of the film, where the Pakistani identity of Aman is revealed, brings about an expectation of the Indo-Pak angle, which unfortunately isn’t exploited to the fullest. As a result, the film tends to meander from one comedy skit to another. The supporting cast, with the exception of the outlandish sister, played by Sara Khan, aren’t able to sparkle to the same extent that the family members did in the Meet the Parents series. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Total Siyapaa Official Facebook Page[/caption] While it’s neither engaging nor unpredictable enough to be termed a must see, there’s still plenty to commend in the film. Zafar is fantastic as the puzzled Pakistani and you can certainly relate to the very Pakistani earnestness and charm he brings to the role. The multi-talented Zafar sparkles, whether on screen or through the soundtrack, since in addition to playing the lead role, he composed and sung the songs too – the title track of which is sure to be a super-hit. One hopes he will soon become the first choice for the male lead in rom-coms too, much like Parineeta Chopra for filmmakers seeking a great female lead. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x17ngzn_total-siyapaa-official-trailer-2013-ali-zafar-yaami-gautam-anupam-kher-kirron-kher_music[/embed] Moreover, the guy is an absolute gentleman and was supremely patient despite the stampede causing attention he was getting at the premiere in Pakistan. Courteous to the core, he even left a conversation midway with Humaima Malick and Aminah Shaikh when interrupted by a humble autograph seeker. Seeing Zafar on the big screen should be a huge draw for most people, considering he is probably the man most men want to be, and of course, the man most women want to be with. All in all, if you’re looking for a light-hearted and amusing film that the lady in your life won’t object to, this ultimately harmless film, which has some great songs, one of which sees Zafar partner with Fariha Pervez, is a good pick.

Doting on Pakistan is apparently a heinous crime in India. Why else would the Uttar Pradesh government slap sedition charges on 67 Kashmiri students in Meerut for cheering the Pakistani cricket team and chanting innocuous slogans like Pakistan Zindabad? When asked by a young student to share his views on the issue in Barkha Dutt’s show Political Roots, senior Bhartiya Janta Party (BJP) leader, Chandan Mitra exclaimed,

“Anybody who lives in India, breathes the air of this country and raises a slogan like Pakistan Zindabad, should be legally persecuted and charged with sedition.”

“Miyan Musharraf eik Hindu attankwad nahi karta hai. Par Miyan Musharraf, kaan khol kar sun lo, jis din Hindu attankwad aayega na, us din duniya ke nakshe se Pakistan ka namon nishan mit jayega.” (Miyan Musharraf, a Hindu doesn’t believe in terrorism. But Miyan Musharraf, listen to me carefully, the day Hindu terrorism is born, Pakistan will be wiped off the world map.)

“Lamhon ne khata ki thi, sadiyon ne saza payi.” (A mistake of a few seconds has brought punishment for centuries.)